tiny gardener

livejournal for Lauren

2004-04-27T22:01:57Z

"Wise one, how much better it would be if we could talk. I feel I have whole conversations stacked inside me, laying unused! I think it is perhaps the only real lack of which one is conscious in living alone; the mediating power of a friend's thoughts to place beside one's own, just to see if they match!"
-Clea in Durrell's Balthazar

for Lauren

2004-04-04T19:12:02Z

Because What I Want Most is Permanence

Because what I want most is permanence,
The long unwinding and continuous flow
Of subterranean rivers out of sense,
That nourish arid landscapes with their blue—
Poetry, prayer, or call it what you choose
That frees the complicated act of will
And makes the whole world both intense and still—
I set my mind to artful work and craft,
I set my heart on friendship, hard and fast
Against the wild inflaming wink of chance
And all sensations opened in a glance.
Oh blue Atlantis where the sailors dream
Their girls under the waves and in the foam—
I move another course. I’ll not look down.

Because what I most want is permanence,
What I do best is bury fire now,
To bank the blaze within, and out of sense,
Where hidden fires and rivers burn and flow,
Create a world that is still and intense.
I come to you with only the straight gaze.
These are not hours of fire but years of praise,
The glass full to the brim, completely full,
But held in balance so no drop can spill.

-May Sarton

chelsea hotel

2003-08-13T05:07:30Z

& clenching your fists for the ones like us who are oppressed by the figures of beauty, you fixed yourself, said 'well, nevermind. we are ugly but we have the music.'

Yes!

2003-08-13T05:05:50Z

I'm going to see Radiohead, too.
Maybe even THREE times.
And maybe one of those times will be with SIGUR ROS.

Yeah.
New York is looking good.

daturatalula @ 2003-07-23T20:37:00

2003-07-24T01:55:03Z

I switched my dad out for Tyler today. I'm glad Tyeler's home, and it means we can leave the dishes in the sink till Saturday. Freedom!
I talked to my new roommate last night and she seems great. She smokes cloves, eats lavishly, hits an occasional bong, and loves to paint. Have I met another me? Heh... and she listens to hiphop. Comprimising my music is something I'm not looking forward to. Luckily, I have a latent appreciation for hiphop.

something I stumbled upon whilst compiling Christine's birthday present:
The artist is the creator of beautiful things.
To reveal art and conceal the artist is art’s aim.
...Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.
Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope.
They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only beauty.
...The moral life of man forms part of the subject matter of the artist, but the morality of art consists in the perfect use of an imperfect medium.
No artist desires to prove anything. Even things that are true can be be proved.
No artist has ethical sympathies. An ethical sympathy in an artist is an unpardonable mannerism of style.
...All art is at once surface and symbol.
Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.
Those who read the symbol do so at their peril.
It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors.
Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital.
When critics disagree the artist is in accord with himself.
We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.
All art is quite useless.

it's part of the Preface to The Picture of Dorian Gray, which is due for a rereading...someday.

again!

2003-07-09T22:44:10Z

Today, after hearing from Allie that he was spying at my LJ info, I decided to take a look at it myself. It needed updating: foremost to take 'catholicism' off of my interests. Ha! What a joke. Also, I was giddy with content to see that two of my favorite Baton Rouge people (the sexy ex's Rachel and Andy) had added me to their friends lists. Also someone I don't know (hello, nice to meet you) and Kristen (hello, how are you)I wish I had something to offer a livejournal friends page because I'd like to force my 'friends' to think of me every so often (i.e. with an inspirational post), but I can't think of anything compelling.
perhaps I will try this lj thing again.
Here is a poem I memorized recently (hence the punctuation and spacing may be off a bit)
Neoplatonic Riff
-Alicia Suskin Ostriker

May, and after a rainy Spring we walk streets
gallant with rhododendrons.
When we notice flowers bursting like this,
we long to take action too. To fly apart
like shrapnel, or to stumble up their cones
alp after alp ahead, crest above sheerer crest.
Or cram extravagent armloads of petals into our mouths and eyes
raspberry ice.
Or press our bodies some way into them
even our chests, our bony stiffened legs
that feel suddenly lighter,
happier, and more pliant.
We'll let their cold tongues swallow us,
recall a time when we ourselves used to be flowers.
And being in love is similar
in that it seems to dwell in memory,
that tangled, uncontrolled environment,
but behind it, the world of forms
as when one says, Don't I know you from somewhere?
Didn't I used to be you?

something else is that I'd like to drive in
Geoff Munsterman's truck
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. It's one of the most thrilling things, riding in a truck. I feel like a piece of fiction who'll keep cruising until there are enough metaphors per minute.
Lauren, can you get something together?

a loyal livejournal never dies

2003-06-26T21:29:06Z

my movie
Opening Credits: Radiohead - National Anthem
Waking-up Scene: Bright Eyes - Messenger Bird's Song
Masturbation Scene: Cat Power - Shaking Paper, Desaparecidos - Manana
Average-day scene: Tori Amos - Wednesday, Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges
Best-friend scene: Fiona Apple - Paper Bag
First-date scene: Holopaw - Mammoth Cave
Falling-in-love scene: Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life
a day in Love scene: Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Sex scene: Bjork - Hunter
Fight-with-friend scene: Radiohead - Backdrifts
Break-up scene: Tori Amos - Putting the Damage On
Get-back-together scene: Bright Eyes - Amy in the white coat
"Life's okay" scene: Fiona Apple - The Way Things Are
Heartbreak scene: Bright Eyes - It's Cool, We Can Still be Friends
Mental-breakdown scene: something from Requiem for a Dream soundtrack
Driving scene: Postal Service - The Dream of Evan and Chan, Bjork - Joga
Lesson-learning scene: Gary Jules - Mad World
Deep-thought scene: Nick Drake - Pink Moon
Party scene: Royksopp - Eple
Smoking circle scene: Beck - Paper Tiger
Happy dance scene: Belle and Sebastian - Sleep the Clock Around
Crazy intense dance scene: Postal Service - Natural Anthem
Regret scene: Postal Service - This Place is a Prison
Long-night-alone scene: Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely
Death scene: something from American Beauty score, of course
Closing credits: Hem - Horsey

I've been enjoying making mix cds so much lately that I decided to do this.

daturatalula @ 2003-02-11T08:18:00

2003-02-11T14:25:12Z

Tour

Near a shrine in Japan he'd swept the tpath
and then placed camellia blossoms there.

Or--we had no way of knowing--he'd swept the path
between fallen camellias.

-Carol Snow

I'm just posting Now.

2002-11-08T17:39:16Z

Knowing all the movements my hands can make, it's frustrating to be stuck here, fourth period, with no paint.

things I've been doing:
college
Hem (ah, Hem Hem Hem + winter)
Scarlet's Walk
Christine
pot (mmm... pot!)
art art art
Nick Drake
driving
tostitos
Mere Christianity -C.S.Lewis
my dad moved out, oh!
The Unbearable Lightness of Being -Milan Kundera
Lauren, dearest
Allie comes home to me! to me!
strong; painless
AllieMaryChristineElizabeth! total domination.
oh, that sophomore. what a babe!
Mandeville, Covington
I hate dominican.
West
oh, West
Nocca
art art art I make Art!
winter
Elena and Calie? Gone?! Two months!? how strange it all is...
but oh!: Lauren and Christine
& Allie!
ah, Life

okay, bye again :)

i dug this up from junior year's mid-may

2002-09-15T07:09:10Z

in italics are the things i didn't do

Areas for Summer Reform/Things to do this Summer:
1) lessen online time- none of this on till 11.30 or later CRAP
2) LEARN SHIT. kind of vague... did i learn shit?
3) Watch Woody Allen movies. He is one hilarious old man, and I want to see his movies. --I started to and didn't like them as much as i thought--
4) Read at least SOME of the books on my list.
5) Get a Fuckin' CLUE on how I feel about all those /Problems/ in the world... and then do something about my "clue". --didn't do that :(
6) See Jerry Seinfeld. --last great memory with elena??--
7) Laugh.
8) See OZMA in TEXAS with FRIENDS. --MAN.--
9) Fall in love. --Chat. Colorado. Caitlin. Ashley. Amelie. Waking Life.--
10) Go to Art Camp in COLORADO!!!!!!!
11) Hit the beach with some tanning oil and some friends and an inflatable raft!
12) Make a new friend in New Orleans (ooh my, that'd be CRAZY! I haven't had a NEW friend since... Allie!) --yeah, no new friends till nocca started.--
13) Watch Vanilla Sky over and over again with everyone I like!!!! --who did i like?--
14) Eat my weight in Taco Bell + Snowballs
15) Stalk someone. hmm. forgot about this one.
16) Make MAD art all over the place! --ah yes--

17) kiss.

I did not kiss.

wow, boys are assholes.

2002-09-15T04:52:29Z

i want to live on that island where no men can ever go. i want to take my dear ones & leave the rest behind.
also, i hate 'you should feel this way' & 'my parents won't give me a ride' & 'get a degree that'll give you a job' & 'i'll call you when she leaves'
god..

today christine gave me jack johnson

2002-09-11T03:02:19Z

I am more interested in the new method I've found for styling my hair than in any sort of group calamity.

camp challenge dream

2002-09-08T16:09:51Z

I like people.

2002-09-06T20:37:20Z

I'm looking at a collection of paintings & I almost turned the page without reading this woman's artist statement.
but, alas, I did read it:
The whole point is to be awake, as alive as possible, and to notice everything.

amen.

in class

2002-09-04T19:28:11Z

I'm in computer. This class is so boring. I cannot even begin to express this boredom. But I did realize today that Terry is one of my very favorite people of all time. I very much appreciate having people I love on the perimeters of my life. He likes me too. He searches out my eyes apart from all the other students. He thinks I'm special. :)
also,
I hurt so bad.
I don't think anyone (me included) truly believes that this is me: this suffering, limping, whining arthritic. Really, who the hell gets arthritis at age 17? & Lupus?! What?

a dream

2002-09-03T04:21:28Z

I think I could spend the rest of my life
in one night on the beach
with mazzy star playing on a 'boom box',
some young, vibrant, laid-back intellectuals,
and a couple of bowls.

that'd be just lovely.
Mm.

california

2002-08-29T04:41:16Z

mountain
mounatin
waves &
stars

this and that -- rotating

2002-08-27T22:47:40Z

i smell like baby sweat. i want this to be my scent all the time.
it's sexy.

speaking of ..
i want to be pressed, palmed, &curled. today;
now.

i posted lauren & i's West ad on the bulletin board in the cantine today. we're 'searching for young, vibrant intellectuals for friendship and travel.' i wonder if we'll get any responses. i hope we get lots so we have -lots of new friends &, -several people to pick from. i know who should come, i just don't know if she'll be able to afford it .. or something.

today i found lorca
the trees want us to fall in love
so do the clouds

they laugh in a language i don't understand, but i love them

2002-08-23T03:28:08Z

ah, today. for the first time in TWO WEEKS I drove the mustang. & I am overflowing with joy. every single time i drive that car I am equally enthralled. school for the Rest of the year will be better better.
calie and i watched Waking Life. i'm glad we saw it together. she loves it.
i got a new cellphone: 982.1615

lauren and i ran through the rain today. a great memory.

i sat watching a flower as it was withering. i was embarrased by its honesty.

2002-08-20T22:26:37Z

for a while after Lauren started to leave her old romantic ways behind, i thought our beautiful friendship would weaken; it hasn't.
i am eternally happy for this.
also, speaking of friendships i thought i'd lose: Allie. you know, the whole girlfriend at our school thing. but he's hanging around. and i enjoy laura's company.
i am also happy for this. yes, eternally happy.

i think i'm partially glad to be back at school. partially & glad are key, but it's all better than i expected. i LOVE my english teacher.

i got my Nocca schedule for the first ten weeks:
mon: critique | tues: art history :) | wednes: computer (actually, i'm happy about this) | thurs: 2d with Perrelli (only ONE day of painting! :( | fri: printmaking (HORRAY!!!)

today i wore a bra and i fixed my hair "funny"
ah! adventure

now that it's august we'll sleep on our desktops and if it rains we'll be safely trapped in class

2002-08-19T04:51:58Z

i thought i'd copy and paste this from my very favorite livejournal crush since we're all starting a new school thing

Notes in the margins; dream-plans for dream-schools. Edward de Bono teaching, and drama everyday, Mr. Punch puppet shows, the Neil Gaiman stardust spirit, a soda shoppe for Lolita days, enormous glass jars of lollipops & lollipops sticking out of flower pots like plastic blooms. Imagination fellatio, except that no Humberts are allowed in. Teachers are the most respected professionals in all worlds, they have pupils like planets, from knowledge & not coke. The children learn dream, play, share & study francesca lia block and sometimes they learn at night. For astronomy purposes. No tests, just learning and learning forever until they know they're ready to leave gently. No classes by age or skill, just by interest. They will all learn to DO rather than to memorise & vomit words. They will learn poems & knitting & how to give good presents, and Andy Warhol & expression and pale moonbeam walks at all times instead of fattening desks. & there will be a kissing class which isn't really a class at all but an excuse to kiss. & there will be special holidays all the time, like Merpeople Day & Chocolate Factory Day & Bring Your Parents To School So They Can Learn Too Day. And even Green Day, for people like disfigurine, & by the way you don't have to ever leave school. Reigh can be Strawberry Shortcake there all life long.

& little parties where people learn to love every body because, nobody realises this until they're about to die, but they always wonder why they never spent more time loving and being loved. & it's because we're taught to ignore that sort of thing in school. The letter A is of all importance, (Reigh, won't you be one of the teacher's at my school?! Teach them the importance of % ! And not the icky exam kind !) and abstinence from all the nice things: little boys + little girls & too many lollies & sexing & drugs & crying are all discouraged. Just like in church, just like in all our world's largest delusions.

other ideas: lucid dreaming, food as art, aliens, anti-depression, tool, mixtape making, beekeeping, carlos castaneda, the starfish philosophy, sushi, making carouselles, jorge luis borges, sign language, womb memories, the simpsons as religion, video games i wish they'd invent, mu, fruitarianism, amelie, cibo matto, the last unicorn, flux, howard roark, ballet, wonder.

-----
we'll enroll

dreaming with my hands

2002-08-18T07:53:32Z

tonight was lovely: of fiery sunsets, introucing Jim Carroll to mom, & more Waking Life; but I wonder if I missed something too special with the girls tonight. it's a weird night when they're out without me. that doesn't often happen. overall, i'm glad i stayed in. i love my home.

i feel something approaching. i'm not sure if it's good or bad, but it's coming. there's an uncomfort in knowing that my present state will soon and very soon be replaced. i keep catching myself in mid-sigh. the warning.

i love Nocca. i love daydreaming about my next piece. i love having lovely little art-challenges to fill up my days, nights.

today felt like Sunday. what a lovely surprise the late morning will be.

and finally, damn this chronic arthritis bullshit. appointment with doctor medicine man on wednesday will clear it all up. Right.

oh, you!

2002-08-17T18:03:10Z

Happy birthday ALLIE, you BIG BOY, you!

are you a dreamer?

2002-08-16T03:44:49Z

oh, I have found something wonderful:
Waking Life
I'm glad it'll be my 'obsession' for the entry of the new year
it's really really incredibly perfect
see it with me

all else is splendid as well
nocca was lovely

oh, haha!

2002-08-13T02:14:43Z

http://www.clas.ufl.edu/users/gthursby/rel/newrels.htm

All must check out this page. Don't even scroll down. Just accept the gift. Laugh.